Surprisingly there aren’t that many jokes around someone dying and going to heaven or hell, here are a selected few:
Three men die and go to heaven!
When they get there St. Michael is waiting to welcome them at the pearly-gates. As the men walk up, one looks through the gates and notices that heaven is really far far away. So one of the men asks…
“Why is heaven so far away?”
St. Michael “Well God came up with this idea. Move heaven far far from the gates, and those who were really good in life get a nice fast vehicle to get there and those who were not get something very slow”
One of the men “So what do we have to do?”
St. Michael “Well I’m going to ask you some questions and based on how you lived your life, I’ll determine what sort of vehicle you get.”
So St. Michael ask the first of the men… “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” to which he replies “I admit it, I did and I’m not proud of it, but it was just once before we got married.”
St. Michael gives him an old beat up car.
Then St. Michael asks the second man the same question, to which he replies, “Nope, never cheated on my wife.” St. Michael looks down at his notes “Really, are you sure about that?” The man concedes “Ok, ok, I did cheat on her a couple of times, but it was a long time ago and she never found out.”
St. Michael thinks and decided to give him a broken down bicycle.
Finally St. Michael gets to the third man and ask him the same question, to which he proudly replies “No sir, I’ve never cheated on my wife.” The other two men are incredulous and don’t believe him “C’mon buddy admit it, you must have cheated at least once.” St. Michael again looks down at his notes and says “Nope, never cheated, not even once.”
So St. Michael gives the third man a brand new Ferrari and sends all three on their way.
A little bit of time passes and the man riding the bike notices the Ferrari stopped just up ahead of him. He rides up to it and see the third man head down the steering wheel crying. He asks “What’s going on buddy, did your car break down? What’s going on.” To which the third man replies, “No no, nothing like that.” “Then what happened, why did you stop?”
To which the third man replies…. “I was driving along and saw my wife also going towards heaven, and she…. she was walking!”
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he’s free to go. The Indian asks “May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time”. The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: “So, what will you use as a shield?”
The Russian: “The Indian, of course”.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer ?
While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St.. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil smiles at him and says,
“Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted..”
Three men all arrive in heaven about the same time, and as they approach the pearly gates they are informed that heaven is very full. Only 1 of them would be allowed to enter, and it would be decided by which one had the most interesting cause of their death.
So the first guy starts, “So, I have been married for 10 years now, and as a surprise for my wife I decided to take off work early and treat her to flowers and candy. As I entered my 7th story apartment however, I saw my wife naked in our bed, and a guys clothes on the floor. I didn’t see the guy, so I went looking. Then, I heard him screaming on the balcony, hanging off the side, so I stomped on his fingers. He landed in some bushes and managed to live, so I picked up our fridge and threw it on him, falling to my death in the process.”
Saint Peter looks at the man and says, “That’s definitely an interesting story,” then turns to the next guy in line and says, “How are you going to beat that?”
The next guy speaks, “So I came home and decided I wanted to grill on the balcony. When I leaned against my rail, it broke, sending me falling down from the 8th story. Luckily for me though, I was able to catch on to the next balcony down. I started screaming for someone to help me, and felt relieved when I saw someone coming. But, when he came out, he started stomping on my hands! I fell, and thought I had caught a break when some bushes prevented my death. That’s when I saw him throw a fridge down at me.”
Saint Peter looks at the third guy, “Well, they both have really interesting deaths, I don’t know how you’re going to top that.”
The third guy looks at Saint Peter and says, “So I’m in this fridge right?…”
In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: “What part of the body goes to heaven first?”
In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child.
“The heart goes to heaven first because that’s where God’s love lives.”
“Excellent,” said Sister Mary, “and you, Charlotte?”
“The soul, Sister Mary, because that’s the part that lives beyond death.”
“Very good, Charlotte,” said the Sister, as she noticed Billy’s hand still waving in desperation.”
“OK, Billy, what do you think?”
“It’s the feet that go first, Sister, the feet.”
“That’s a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?”
Billy answered, “Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, ‘God, I’m coming, I’m coming!'”
The nuns walk up to the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St. Peter.
“Hello ladies. In order to get into Heaven you have one final task. You all must answer one question each to enter the Holy Gates of Heaven.”
The nuns each looked at each other and nodded in agreement.
Nun #1 steps up preparing herself for the question she has to answer for eternal life.
St. Peter asks the first nun, “Who was the first man on the earth?”
Nun #1 answers, “Adam, of course.”
Bells rang, Angels sang, and the gates of Heaven open. She walks through and they close behind her.
Nun #2 steps up and says, “Ok, I am ready.”
St. Peter asks, “Who was the first woman on earth?”
Nun #2 hides a small chuckle, in disbelief of the simple question, “Eve was the first woman on the earth.”
Bells rang, Angels sang, and the gates of Heaven open. She passes through the gates and they close.
Nun #3 prepared herself for the question to follow her sisters to everlasting life.
St. Peter cleared his throat and asks, “What was Eve’s first thought the first time she saw Adam naked?”
Nun #3 pauses. Thinks for a while.
Perplexed, she thinks out loud, “Hmmm, that’s a hard one…”
The Bells rang, Angels sang, and the gates of Heaven open.
If you have a unique joke on the “heaven and hell arrival moment” which hasn’t appeared in this article please post it below in the comments section. Thank you.